All right, a quick note, because I'm kind of irked that my desired site address is already snagged. Moving on...

My bridal priorities are:
Honeymoon
Cake
Dress
...in that order. Sure, the photography, location, and groom are all matters of some significance, too, but let's face it...a bad cake can ruin (seriously, just spelled 'ruin' with two 'oo's'...committing grammatical suicide as we speak) a fabulous wedding.

During a recent boring air flight layover, I tasked myself with making a list of guests (my fiance has a HUGE family, so our "small wedding" will have over 100 guests), expenses, and who's who among the wedding party.

As one who decided (possibly during a brief bout of personality disorder) that I would have a low-maintenance, stress-free wedding, I recognize that having a guest list that tops 100 could be a problem. Albeit, at least seven of those people are potential dates and 16 are children. This is good because children eat less and potential dates may never come into existence. God bless them, every one.

So, with the only affirmative decisions being that I'm going to cook the rehearsal dinner (three different kinds of gourmet lasagna with tiramisu for dessert) and that I'll print the wedding invitations myself (I know, Earth, decisions that will only result in a stress-induced, stroke/disaster), I began my quest for a wedding dress.

With the Internet being far too unwieldy and confusing (I wound up convinced I was looking at a bunch of anorexic, pseudo-virgin white cupcakes and gave up), I opted to shop around town.

Now, for those of you who don't know, Mobile, AL is relatively nice city. We have a Chilis, for example, which was featured on The Office when they presented the Dundee awards, so we're pretty high up there when it comes to having places to see and be seen.

Well, to cut a long story short, we have bridal shops, too (do they have another name?). So, today, during lunch, I rode over to one that had a 10-50% off sign. Super. So, I walk in. There's a woman sitting at a desk who I'll call Mathalda. Mathalda didn't give a rat's ass who I was. I went in bracing myself for the inevitable overly pushy shop-keeper who wanted to immediately strip me naked, measure me, and put me in something made of sequined taffeta. Didn't happen. Was I relieved? You bet your silk shantung butt I was (note to self...Stairmaster).

So, with Mathalda dutifully ignoring my existence, I perused the store. For a bride who wants to find a dress in the $100 price range, I was out of my league with these $800 bejeweled numbers. I'm a painter...how many shades of white are there? (Spoiler alert: There can be well over 1,000 in only 150 square feet of space!)

As I'm shopping, a kind woman who I'll call Guiseppe asked why I was there. The words 'getting married' felt foreign coming out of my mouth, but in a higher-pitched voice that Lord knows wasn't my own said them. (Thanks, Valley-Girl self.) Luckily, before Guiseppe could hock her wares my way, a much more determined-bride-to-be walked in (armed with her (s)mother).

"We're looking for chantilly lace," announced the mousy-brown-haired bride du jour.

"Well," Guiseppe leads Mouse and her thin-lipped pocket-book to a selection of white frocks, "this one has lace on the bodice."

"No," insists Mouse, "It has to be all over lace."

I have no idea what chantilly lace is, and I'm glad. I always want to associate the word 'chantilly' with that hilarious dance club on Airport Blvd for the older people that I went to that one time. .... sorry, memories. Long story short, I realized in that moment, I have no desire to know who these wedding dress people are. Why?

Top reasons why I don't want to be a high maintenance bride:

1-It's one day out of my life. I can never wear my dress again except maybe to a Mardi Gras ball, but then I'll be that chick who everyone's like, "Oh my Lawd, is she wearing ah' wedding dress?" And believe me, they will...Southerners talk. Behind their hands, no less.

2-Based on the weddings I went to, people will remember the following: (a) how short the wedding was --the shorter, the better, (b) how good the cake was, and (c) how much fun they had dancing.

3-The less money spent on a wedding (is that a knot behind my ear...huh), the more money left to spend on a honeymoon. Sorry, Guests and Family, but the idea of the trip is definitely the part I'm having a Pavlovian reaction to.

So, all that said, I'm going to be a low-maintenance, stress free, piece of cake kind of bride on a budget.

Here's the goal of this whole shebang (1) to spend as little money as possible, we'll say, $5,000...that's for the dress, the shoes, the invites, the cake, the food, his ring, the tux, and all that hot jazz. So, are you with me people, $5,000. Boom. For no good reason at all (magic number of the day), I'm announcing that as my max budget...that's with family help and no help. The only thing it doesn't count is the honeymoon. (2) I can't have a heart attack or the game is over...no stress. Yeah, no money, no problems. ...right?