As I sit and gradually go blinder from staring at a computer screen, I search my brain and motivation for one more ounce of "oomph." I seem to be out of oomph, but I do have plenty of cynicism stocked in the back. Working 40 hours a week, teaching two online classes (one just wrapped up this week, thank God), and teaching for the University...hello, my bologna has a first name, and it's E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D. Never mind cooking, painting the house, and planning a wedding.
I know that there are some of you women out there who have like, energy jet-packed breasts, and you can just go-go-go-go and you're, like, super motivated about everything you do. If you're one of those super motivated happy 24/7 go-getters. Please, don't talk to me...unless it's to refer me to your dealer.
It's clear from the wrinkles under my eyes that I'm aging at mach speed. Despite being only 28.5 (marathon woman) years old, I look like I'm 150. "Excuse me, ma'am, can I see your ID?" Seriously? Just count the rings below my eyes and multiply by 4. Heaven forbid a student ask me my age. My planned response is, "Old enough to die from stress." I have three jobs and I rake in less than $40k annually. Did I mention I have two degrees? Thank God for Sean and the Jeep and the cats.
That is something that kind of cheeses my goat about Americans. How in the Hell can you not find a job you lazy worthless fart-monkeys? If I can find three jobs, your sorry camel-toe flaunting butt can find at least one. Seriously, the economy needs to improve so I can get a raise. Oh...wow, the word really does revolve around me. Wait...was that my first bridezilla moment? Awe...someone take a picture.
Oh, you didn't know I was getting married? Yep...October 8. Then Italy. I wish I never had to return to the crumbling U.S. of A. Yeah, I'm getting married...I'm just so busy working that I keep forgetting I get to plan a wedding, too. Jeepers and funking fun! (Yes, I meant to write 'funking.') So, the countdown is building up to the wedding, not my pending attempted suffocation via chloroform and pinot grigio.
What's left for the wedding? Glad you asked!
Bustle my own gown
Print wedding programs
Seriously, figure out the decorations
Reserve / pay for tables for wedding
Order table cloths and runners
Get ring cleaned
Get letter from parents saying I can get married to Sean at Catholic church
Bag almonds
Finish paying for a lot of stuff
Finish selecting music for reception
Finish selecting music for church
Scream
Scream louder
Hyperventilate
Cry about not getting any help
Get hair cut
And I'm low maintenance.
