Hell's Belles

Ring around the rosie, a pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, they all fall down.

I don't do well with disappointment or confusion. I live the way I drive. I know where I want to go. I know how to get there. Detours are not welcome, but thanks for playing.

So, here's the truth. Last spring, I applied for an online PhD program with Texas Tech. I wasn't accepted, most likely because my application information was not research oriented enough. The deadline to reapply was September 1 of this year (as I just found out). Oh, for the love of God. My stupid numb mouth just dripped my drink. Sod it all. I digress...

Anyway, I found an online PhD program (or so I thought) with Utah State. I sent an e-mail to a program adviser today...the supposed PhD program is a Master's program.. I swear everything I read indicated it was a doctoral program. So, I found all of this out when I read my e-mail this evening...after I shot out $55 for the application fee plus $23 to GRE to send my most recent scores to Utah. Epic suck. Really, there aren't words. The feeling of accomplishment I felt today at having gotten my application off was euphoric. The disappointment of reading that e-mail. Crushing.

This also comes at the same time I notice The Mister left his ice cream in the microwave --melted for having sat for just under 24 hours along with an ant infestation spawned by the stupid rotted back door frame thanks to water gathering on the back porch.

No, I'm not going to blaspheme in typical Amy-esque style. I'm going to regroup and figure this crap out. Okay, God. I get it. You don't want me to get a PhD. He and I both know I have what it takes to get a PhD. And okay, I'll say it, my heart's not in it, but I need it. I need it for my career...don't I?

Really, I don't. I have the wits and the balls (most of the time) to succeed on every level I ever imagined. To be completely frank and to reveal some of my less-than-savory qualities, I feel like I need so everyone else will know these things about me, too. Also, I have this terrible fear that my job at USA will be short-lived if I don't have a PhD to bolster myself.

And no, I will NOT do something that sucks...like get a degree from some frivolous online University that commercializes degrees like some sick assembly line. Don't get me wrong, if there was a traditional academic setting in or near my home town that offered what I wanted, I would do it. But, I'm enfianced. We can't leave. We just got a damn house. He's got dreams, too, and quite frankly, dreams much more important to him than this is to me. I refuse to be that selfish person.

The closest program is in Tuscaloosa, and truth be told I could make the three hour drive once or twice a week, providing work permitted the time off. It would be awful, but it would be worth it. That drive and I are one in the same. Impossible, frustrating, difficult, but somehow, so worth it.

How do you know when to let it go? When disappointment and rejections pile up? I feel like I get much better at things each time I attempt them. I only had the nerve to submit queries to children's fiction agents once. I got nothing but rejections. 2006 was a helluva year.

Looking back at my query, I realize, it sucked. Sucked like that fish that supposed to clean the mold off aquariums. I'm floored by the sucking and my charming, youthful naivety at submitting such drech.

Damn. Damn. Damn. Sorry, but I'm distressed. I'm so stupid for complaining, too. I have SO much going for me. I can write. I just killed another ant. I can draw and paint. I can think. My jaw is no longer numb. And I have. Oh, how I have. I have a house larger than my parents could have dreamed when they started their lives together. I have beautiful espresso colored furniture. I know that the word is espresso and not expresso. I love tea. Two beautiful, spoiled cats. A wonderful family. An amazing fiance with in-laws, all of whom I love dearly.

I do say, life is a funny thing, and it will be interesting to see how it all plays out.

On a nuptial note, I think I shall accessorize my gown with 3/4 length gloves. My dress is so simple and elegant that veils, tiaras, and other adornments won't do. So, gloves, a bracelet with my grandmother's rings on it, and some kind of earrings and maybe a baby white lily in my hair will be all there is for my outfit.

My, how vain does that sound!

I've also decided something else...after spending the previous weekend in Louisiana, my favorite state, hands down, although I do love my sweet home Alabama, I want to do cajun food for the wedding. Yes, I think that's my aspiration. We'll see.

I can't wait to go to Italia. Do we have to come home...?